by Colleen MacGilchrist

I was sitting in a coffee shop consoling an old friend, recently divorced. "We were magic when we met," she moaned. "Then we started fighting." She looked up at me, eyes rimmed in red. "Why can’t two people in love just live happily ever after?"
My friend’s lament was similar to what I hear from clients. People believe that happily ever after doesn’t include conflict. They think conflict is bad. When conflict happens—as it eventually will—they either charge ahead like a bull running at a red cape, or they turn away until the conflict completely undermines them. The few brave souls that do approach it directly are often overwhelmed by powerful feelings that tumble out.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Let’s start by clarifying three things: first, conflict is normal and appropriate. No, it’s not fun, but it is natural and we need to stop beating ourselves up when it appears. Second, conflict can be skillfully managed with respect and kindness. And third, conflict deepens the relationship. It helps partners to grow individually and as a couple.
Most people think relationships should never leave the romantic phase when everything is enchanting and conflict is minimal. But inevitably the turbulent phase begins—nature’s invitation to work through differences. The rose-tinted glasses come off and sometimes the boxing gloves go on. The tendency is to blame, clam up, or bail out—tactics that don’t lead to happily ever after. Fortunately, there are some strategies that do. Two of them are 1) pause and 2) timeout.
Pause
When you feel ready to explode, push the pause button. Ask yourself, "What just happened?" Your reaction may be out of proportion to the facts of the situation. For example: Mark says, "Sue, you look trim in that suit." Sue yells, "So I usually look fat!" Oops! Sue needs to pause before speaking, separating the facts from her story about them. The facts are, Mark says she looks trim. When she separates that fact from her interpretation (he thinks I’m fat), her angry attack can be avoided. By pausing and thinking before speaking, she leaves room to choose a more skillful response based on the current situation, not on her imagination.
That’s all well and good, you say, but what if you can’t get past the anger? Then you should share it, again after thinking it through first. Pretend you’re an anthropologist who is studying your own emotional reactions. Seek clarification. In the example above, Sue could say: "Mark, I got mad when you said I looked trim in this suit. Do you mean that I don’t usually look trim?" Notice that she doesn’t act out her anger; however she does disclose it.
Timeout
But what if the conflict heats up? We’ve all been there. You lash out even though you know it won’t help. At this point, you should call a time out. Literally, make the sign of a "T" with your hands and take a break from each other. Problems cannot be solved in the mind states that create them. It’s amazing how much better you can communicate, even on sensitive issues, if you’re willing to talk only when you can both be respectful. Respectful talking facilitates gracious listening, the bedrock upon which happy partnerships exist.
These strategies may seem like common sense but we often forget to employ them. Common sense is no good if it isn't used. Simple changes in how we interact today can result in major rewards down the road. When we pause to clarify facts from story and use timeouts when needed, we make room for kindness and support. The atmosphere at home improves. A feeling of sanctuary embraces our partnership, creating space for personal growth, healing and intimacy.
Happily-ever-after is not just possible, it’s alive and well and waiting to be experienced by all of us.